I’ve done some movie watching. It went alright.

Robin Hood (2018)- I like the story of Robin Hood. I think most people do, it’s been around for a long time. Rob from the rich and give to the poor. If you’re going to crime it up, giving back takes the edge off of it for most it. It’s rather noble. Every once and awhile Robin Hood comes back to the film world with an attempt to twist the knob a bit to make it another story worth repeating. All the staples are present and account for: Robin of Loxley, Little John, Friar Tuck, the Sheriff of Nottingham, and Marian. The story also starts strong with Robin being introduced as a playboy, having a good time living it up with a family name attached to wealth and status. Things are going great with his lady Marian, when he gets drafted into the war. The good times are over as he’s put through the wringer on the battlefield. After trying to stop a war crime he’s shipped back home to discover that everyone thinks he’s been dead for years and his family estate has been absorbed by the Sheriff for the war effort.

At this point I’m all in, I like Robin he’s a good dude, John becomes an ally for change and the Sheriff is a well-established crumb bum. And then the movie becomes less interesting as it falls into the well established Hollywood script mold. All the beats are predictable, right down to an (unnecessary) training montage. It’s not that anything is truly bad, it’s a well produced movie, but nothing new is brought to the table. My biggest complaint is with the action. It feels way too modern, way to slick and overproduced. It gets so over the top that the visuals stop being grounded. I guess it’s just the nature of where action movies are today, the competition is off the charts. If you don’t try to do anything mind-boggling no one will pay any attention to you. At one point during an elaborate escape sequence, things are blowing up for no reason. There are these gigantic columns of fire repeatedly shooting out of nowhere as if they are running from Pompeii erupting. They’re all coming out from behind large castle pillars so it looks like obvious camouflage. These gasoline-powered mortars are stuffed all over the place waiting to be triggered like it’s a KISS concert. It looks stupid and is more distracting than anything else. Michael Bay fatigue is a real thing and should be avoided (but what do I know, the insanity of the Fast and Furious franchise makes a fortune). If you skip this I don’t think you’ll miss anything.

The Mule– I couldn’t get over how stupid this movie is to enjoy it. Clint Eastwood plays Earl Stone, a 90-year-old horticulturist (yes you read that right) who runs drugs across the border for a Mexican cartel. On the surface that makes sense, Earl doesn’t fit the profile of a drug mule so he’s perfect to travel around without getting stopped. As a flower guy getting pushed out of business by the internet (shakes a fist at technology!), Earl’s monetary savings aren’t what you’d call positive so he fits the mark of “I really need money.” The fast cash would be attractive to him (which is why anyone sells drugs).

But why did I watch Clint Eastwood do his best impression of Mr. Magoo? I don’t want to see that! Does anyone? Earl aw-schucks his way through almost every encounter so painfully (and that includes 2 (TWO!) threesomes!) that this is one of the cringiest movies I’ve seen in years. Earl is so naive (until the exact moment he doesn’t need to be) and one dimensional that it’s hard to take anything seriously. His biggest regret that is pounded into you with nearly no exploration is that he was a bad father and husband. He’s not mean or obnoxious (when he tells his ex-wife his flowers were more important than his family–with no semblance of rationale–I almost jumped out of my skin) that’s just how he is because he’s old and doesn’t know any better. Everything so revolves around his age that it seems like the writer’s main goal was to ham-fist a message of the elderly shouldn’t be ignored or left behind, they can still contribute. Except the main character for this message is a joke.

He’s old! He doesn’t know how to use a cell phone! He’s old! Why would he know what the guys with the guns could be putting into his trunk for a ton of cash? He’s old! So he wouldn’t waste a tenth of a second to question a thing when he does end up looking! Watch as he drives around slinging casual racism for no reason because he’s old and doesn’t know why anyone would have a problem with what he says! He’s so innocent and squishy (read: old) looking he makes friends with everyone! In the end, he’s a good guy, no matter what. Woof.

Bohemian Rhapsody– A.K.A the Freddie Mercury show. This movie isn’t a documentary, Freddie was the frontman for Queen and did get all the attention in real life. That’s important to think about, watching this ultra condensed story, so I can see why they’d take the approach they did. And let’s be real, this movie would have died before it hit the screens if it wasn’t for Rami Malek. He absolutely kills it as Freddie Mercury. He’s one of my favorite actors and he absolutely transforms in this movie.

This is a great movie that feels held back. Each moment feels a bit too perfect, too concise, too sanitized. The band Queen comes together really fast. No struggle is shown as it comes off like they blew up in about a week. Songs are shown being put together at lightning speed. Freddie’s personal struggles are stepped on for mere moments before moving on. I guess pacing is my biggest problem.

A two hour+ long movie isn’t short and in the end, I wanted to see more. I would be perfectly happy to have ditched the remake of Queen’s 1985 Live Aid show for more story. That would have freed up I think 15 minutes or so. I wanted to see the band interact more, watch Freddie navigate more of his personal and professional relationships. The best parts for me was when they were dealing with pressure and their personalities pulling at them (Freddie’s house party is probably the highlight of the movie there, that scene at the best character developments). Sure, we see the band argue about decisions here and there but it’s so fast and spotty it always came off as rudimentary and cleaned up. Why not show their inspirations, how did they write this music that’s stuck with people for 40 years now? Freddie was at ground zero for the rise of the HIV/AIDS epidemic, why not better show how the world reacted and addressed it? We’re still going through that (and more) today. I liked seeing Freddie with his family and ther were very few scenes with them. A lot (character) came out of the scene where the band meets Freddie’s family for the first time and they got the call they were signed to a record label. There must have been more moments like that to show.

I guess more than anything, Bohemian Rhapsody made me want to dig deeper into history. That’s not a bad thing to be left with.